Ballad of an Emancipated Bagger

Dear Vons, today I handed in my apron
The timer went off, and I did not hit the sweep log
That lady's food is piling up at the end of the belt,
and yet I do not run to bag it.

I will no longer bag your boxes of granola bars
your two liters of Diet Pepsi Jazz Black Cherry French Vanilla
your 50 cans of cat food
your bread baked fresh at 5 PM.
I will never again place your delicate fruits at the top with gentle care,
and I will never again ask if you want your watermelon in a bag.

From this day on, I will not ask you how your day has been
nor if you need any help out.
I might help you find something on the shelf
(because I'm a nice person like that)
But if you ask me to take your cart back for you,
I will politely yell "Heck no!"
And drive away.

Vons, if you find that there are not enough baggers
please do not page me
I am not in the store
And I'm not in the parking lot, either
Find someone else to go on that price check
Or take the cheese back to dairy/deli
Or throw the cardboard in the baler.

If the go-backs fill up three carts, it's not my fault!
If the parking lot is full up with carts, it's not my fault!
It there aren't any bags up front, it's not my fault!
If that lady slips on the floor again, it's not my fault!
If the belts aren't clean, it's not my fault!
I'm not responsible for that anymore.
Please yell at someone else.

Vons, there are some things I'd like to thank you for.
Thanks for Mark, and Ashley, and Kathy.
Thanks for my nice tan and buff arms.
Thanks for the cash to buy books this year.
Thanks for showing me I can endure a lot more than I thought I could.

But I won't thank you for tired feet.
Or that 38.75 hour week.
Or Union dues.
Or grumpy Joe.

Vons, I'd like to say it's been a good summer with you
But really it was only mediocre minus.
I hope I don't hurt your feelings when I say I'm never working for you again.
And, if you would, go easy on my comrades I've left behind.
And maybe warn your news hires of exactly what they're getting into?
I'd appreciate that.

That's all I have to say to you, Vons.
I know we'll meet again in the future,
but you'd better be ready to bag my cold things with cold things
and help me out to my car.
Because from today on,
we go our separate ways.

PS
Your in-store music is really annoying.

-Steph